School Day Dawning, Ode to Mommy

I think many of you are familiar with the awesome "children's" book "Go the F*ck to Sleep" by Adam Mansbach.  It is awesome and hysterical.  At some point I was told I should write a "children's" book myself.  I did it in a day and even got myself an ISBN number.  The problem is that I am not as artistic as I think I am, and when I tried to illustrate the darn thing, it looked like total crap to me.  It became clear to me that this book is unlikely to pay for the kids to go to college.  And it was unlikely that it will end up paying for a good shopping trip to Nordstrom.  So, here is a preview...you probably shouldn't read it to your kids tonight.

The daylight has dawned
It's time to arise
I curse at my clock
And open my eyes

The kids are asleep
They don't look alive
If it was the weekend
They'd have been up by five

Their alarm is blaring
Next to the bed
I hold mirror to nose
To make sure they're not dead

I flip on the light
And shout my "hello"
I go take my shower
Are they up yet?  Hell no!

I lay out their clothes
While singing off key
"Boys get up NOW
Or I'm getting Daddy!"

Suddenly movement
Two heads peaking out
You don't want to be there
When Dad starts to shout

Begrudgingly up
They shuffle downstairs
Then right to the table
To plop in their chairs

They have an opinion
On the clothes that I picked
It's considered success
If no one gets kicked

A striped shirt with argyle
I don't know what to say
I'm telling their teachers
Dad dressed them today

Now to put on their shoes
Thank God for Velcro
Will they know when they're 30
How to tie a damn bow?

I pack up their lunches
Within school policies
No sugar, no fat,
Don't forget allergies

I am getting the LOOK
From the older one's way
I'm reminded I missed
Yesterday's pizza day

Before we can leave
Everyday it's the same
Pry from the youngest
His video game

And then out of the house
They'll be late for the bell
But wait "Mom you forgot!
Today's show and tell!"

Ten more minutes go by
Until I finally release
"GET YOUR BUTTS IN THE CAR"
Neighbors call the police

They're finally listening
Buckling into their seats
"I WIN, I was first"
"No you weren't, MOM HE CHEATS"

The car ride's not quiet
The battle, you see
Is who gets to pick out
Which DVD

Five minutes later
Dropping off at their school
One shakes my hand
'Cause kissing ain't cool

I say my goodbyes
And go on my way
I am ready for bed
But must START my work day