- Smell. Some people would rather die than actually use a public restroom, particularly if they have to go #2. They are appalled by the knowledge that other people DO, in fact, use the public restroom for this act. They will make comments about the stench and hold their nose and pretend to faint. They will make sure you know that THEY did not create that horrendous stench eeking out of the stalls if you are walking in when they are walking out. But you know what? It is a restroom and stomach issues don't always wait until you are conveniently in the privacy of your own home. These people do not need to hear you make gagging sounds and they don't need you to stick around outside the restroom to find out who made that smell happen.
- Sound. Ladies, there is no need to laugh when someone has a minor or major gaseous explosion. Chances are that the reason you heard that outburst was because you were sitting in a stall nearby waiting for the other person to leave. That's right - you were waiting for them to leave so that you could fart yourself. So as a rule, if you are both in the bathroom for more than 5 minutes and neither of you is making a sound, the odds are high that you are both trying to wait each other out. At this point you should both just let it go (figuratively and literally). Since we are on the topic of sound, let's go over my #1 pet peeve in a public restroom. GET OFF THE @)$(*@_%! PHONE!!!! This is NOT the time to go over your grocery list with your spouse. It is not time to chat about dinner. It is not the time to ask your kid how his/her day was. It is time to friggin' pee or crap, wash your hands, and leave. The BEST was when I walked into the restroom and saw a colleague was on speakerphone with her Husband. I walked in and yelled my "hey, how you doing, this is SaltLizard - who is this" to the phone. She laughed and called me ignorant and continued with her call. I then announced to her Hubby that he was about to hear me pee and I hoped he enjoyed the show. At this point I believe she took it off speaker. I don't care if you play words with friends for an hour or facebook chat with half your high school in the stall, just don't field your damn phone calls in there.
- Taste. Taste you are saying? Ewwwwwww. All I have to say is this. You are in a room where people you know, sort of know, and don't know at all are pooping. I certainly appreciate your rigid oral hygiene, but I cannot comprehend how you can brush your teeth in there. Can't you almost taste that smell? I would rather have a root canal than do that. WHY?
- Touch. Again you may be confused. But let me spell it out. There is NO WAY that my ass should touch anything that came out of you on the toilet seat. I should also not be standing in a pool of oops, you must have had a power surge of pee on the floor. I have close friends who are hoverers. I am first, very impressed by their thigh muscles. And second, I am horrified that they are not willing to touch their own pee with toilet paper to prevent someone who does not maintain a squat from getting wet. This is disgusting. STOP IT.
- Sight. This is where it all comes together. A few things on this topic. If you walk into a restroom with 5 stalls, and someone is in stall 1, where do you go? STALL 5. The next person should enter stall 3. The 4th and 5th people are going to get too close to 2 people, and it cannot be avoided, but because it cannot be avoided, they can be forgiven. If I am sitting in stall 1 in an otherwise empty restroom, don't you dare go into stall 2. I don't care if your name is engraved on the seat - move it down the line! You must attempt to leave at least 1 stall between you at all times. Men know that - think about urinals. No one should be that close. OK, so now you've done your business (at least a stall away). When you stand up and flush, turn around. Take a look at that bowl. Do you see ANYTHING red, brown or yellow that came out of your body laying in the bowl? Yes? FLUSH IT AGAIN! Unless it is something that was not supposed to be flushed in the first place and then reach your dumbass hand into that bowl and get it out. Use a pen to pick it out - I DON'T CARE. Your rudeness is no reason for me to have to look at that. Oh, and while we are on that topic, check the floor too. Apparently some of you don't notice when objects fall out of your body onto the floor either.
Well, I do believe this concludes my tirade. I know that there will be points that you agree with and disagree with. I highly doubt that anyone will be reaching into the bowl to retrieve something they shouldn't have flushed. And I'm pretty sure that you will still walk out and warn the people going in that it smells bad and that you are not responsible (hell, I do that too - I'm not taking the heat for something I didn't do). But if my little outburst has done anything, I hope it has made you think twice about your restroom manners. And I hope it made you laugh. But not so hard that you peed.
