Sensible Shoes - and Other Horrors

Sparkles and Jammies

I have never been someone that you would call "practical."  But I do go through my phases.  If I look back about 12 or 13 years, I would tell you that I probably had 10 pairs of shoes.  I don't know if its true or not, but it wasn't an extensive collection.  I remember a friend from work making fun of my "Witchy Poo" shoes.  I thought they were cool.  Black with a silver buckle.  Loafers with a couple inches of heel.  A little pilgrimy, but they were comfortable, matched a lot of my outfits and I wore them at least 4 times a week.

At this point nearly anyone who knows me now is laughing and saying "No Way!"  In fact my Husband would actually choke on those words and call me a liar.  Because you see, at this point in my life, I couldn't count my shoes if I tried.  If I did, then I'd have to admit I have a problem.  But deep down inside, I know that I am, in fact, a shoe 'ho.  I love them.  I can't pass a shoe rack without kicking off whatever I'm wearing and sliding my foot into the glass slipper.  And they are not practical shoes.  Not the leopard print or the neon pink or the red Christmas plaid or the purple with a silk bow or the royal blue spikes.  In fact, not even my sneakers are practical, because I was blessed to find a pair of Twinkle Toes for adults at the outlets.  Sparkly, Oooooh!

Most of my shoes are platforms with between 4 and 6" of heel on them.  Those are my work shoes, and no peanut gallery, I DO NOT work on the streets.  My intention was not to buy a lot of FMPs.  My intention was to have something in my wardrobe to attract attention away from my stomach, hips and a$$.  Because even when it is not fun to buy clothes?  It is STILL fun to buy SHOES.  Add that to the fact that 5 extra inches of height subtracts around 30 pounds (my own calculation), and its a win win.  And I liked win winning!

Really high and sometimes crazy heels have become a sort of trademark for me.  There are a couple of others who share that title with me, but some of the shoes I covet make even those friends turn up their nose.  Of course I still buy them, because who doesn't need a pair of toe-less fuchsia boots?  Duh, I do (thank you very much Kim Kardashian and ShoeDazzle)!!  A friend rates most of my shoes on the schwing scale.  Apparently my blister causing black patent leather 5 inch loafers rate highly on the schwing scale - though not quite as highly as do their identical red counterparts.  And I wear my hot shoes everywhere.  I once spent 6-1/2 hours in 4-1/2 inch heels at the mall.  I had saved my favorite store for last and by the time I got there, I couldn't have run out of there if it was on fire.

Now that you possess this knowledge, I will share a secret with you.  It is upsetting, and scary, and when I think of it too much, I almost tear up.  Yesterday I bought a pair of sensible shoes.  They are more sensible than my Pilgrim Witchy Poos.  They don't have a SINGLE sequin on them.  THEY WERE ON DISPLAY NEXT TO NURSE SHOES FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!  And?  They are...comfortable.  I KNOW, it makes me SICK.  I don't think I can wear them to work or to any social events or to the mall. I just can't.  But I'm pretty sure that I can use them to grocery shop.  Maybe.  If I go a few towns over...where no one recognizes me.  If you see me?  Please just look away.