Potty Mouths Who Raise Babies, an Autobiography

Young readers, specifically those related to me, please stop here, turn around, and go find a nice blog about how to get into prestigious colleges on a full scholarship, learn how to make high grossing movies and take your Aunt/Mother (ME) to the Hollywood award shows.  Thank you.

I've tried to shelter all of you from it, but I have a potty mouth.  I swear like a sailor and I like it.  I don't like offending people with language, I just like the added boost of expression and emphasis that it provides.  For example:  "Move your car!"  does not nearly have nearly the impact that "Move your f'ing car you douchebag!" has.  Swearing is abundantly prevalent in society today.  I mean just consider the term MILF!  Let's face it, these are not Mom's I'd Like to Make Sweet Love Too.  Because if they were?  They'd be MILMSLTs, and that just doesn't make any sense.

I recall a great example of well used profanity when I was receiving a review from a manager about 17 years ago (that hurt to say).  My boss, who is like a second Father to me now, said "Liz, at times, needs to tailor her thoughts before expressing them."  I looked at him and smiled.  I responded..."So, what you saying, is that   PERHAPS (insert pompous uptight co-worker's name here) doesn't need to get F***ED so much as she needs to get LAID???"  He smiled and nodded his head at me.  Since this was the only negative thing he had to say and because he was right, I accepted that feedback happily.  At the same time I know my language was one of the things that endeared me to him and the rest of the guys in my department.  This was evident from the first meeting that I had with that group of gentlemen.  Something that was said in innocence CLEARLY set any one of them up for a dirty joke, but they all looked at me and then down at the table with smirks, their words unspoken.  I looked at all of them with a laugh and told them not to worry because they did not have to watch their f'ing mouths around me.  The relief in the room was palpable and I was one of the boys.

Fast forward several years and here I am, a MOM.  And my Mom never swore.  NEVER!  Until I was an adult and I learned that she actually had a somewhat filthy little mouth herself.  I tried very hard to keep the F word out of my vocabulary around the baby.  But somehow, repressing that word seemed to make others come out more frequently.  Dammit worked its way heavily into my vocabulary for some reason - but it wasn't as easy to use dammit as an adjective, so I developed an affinity for friggin' too.  Because no one can bitch if I say friggin'.

One day my beautiful 3 year old was playing and all of a sudden I hear him say DAMMIT.  What?  "WHAT did you just say???"  Little voice "Dammit, Mommy!"  "Why did you say that??"  "'Cause I hurt my hand."  Well, SHIT.  Now I was in a pickle.  I would have been okay if he had just said it out of the blue.  But he hadn't.  He used it appropriately in a sentence.  In hopes that my Husband would never hear of this, I tried bargaining with my 3 year old.  "Look, I won't say that anymore if you don't say that anymore, okay?"  "OK Mommy."  Later that day my Husband walks in looking at me in disgust.  "What?!"  "Do you know what our son just said?"  Friggin' of course I did, so I said "no, what?"  "He just said dammit!"  "Did he use it properly in a sentence?" "YES, he DID!"  "Oh, well then you better start watching your language around him!" I said with a grin.  He wasn't fooled.  We both knew it was me, all me.  I thought we were out of the woods until I was in the car later that year with my son and his baby brother.  We were second in line at a stoplight and the light changed to green.  A nanosecond after the light change I hear "MOVE YOUR F????ING CAR" emanating from the cute little boy in the cow patterned car seat behind me.  He is not yelling at me, but the guy in front of me.  Lucky for him because I would have kicked his a$$.  (Not really, but it sounded good).  I inquired pretty vehemently, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"  He had said move your friggin' car.  Now some of you may have been appalled by this too, but I was relieved and pretty much okay with it.

His little brother is 4 now and went through a mini Dammit stage, but I think this was more for getting a rise out of us.  Other than that, he has kept his mouth pretty clean.  Because "Whores" isn't technically swearing, and he only says it after he says the word "Star."  I'm usually laughing too hard and too busy posting it as my status to actually correct him.  I mean if he said it after he said "Crack" or "I'm going to see some" or "Mom, you and your friends are" then maybe I would be a little disturbed.

I'm trying to be a better person around them.  Sometimes its hard, like when they stand on my hand in their sneakers or headbutt me by accident in the cheek or jump off the chair onto my back when I'm not paying attention.  Actually, its those times that make me think they are going to grow up thinking that "MOTHERffffffff" is a curse word (the f in this case makes the sound of a deflating tire, and my face resembles a giant tomato monster shaking its head).  But hey, progress is progress.

So have I taught you anything today?  I did not think so.  So what the hell are you still here for?  Go update your f'n Face Book account or something.