Rock of Ages...Was it Supposed to be Funny?

OK peeps, STOP READING NOW IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN BUT PLAN TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!! Eh, you know what? I won't give it all away so read. Of course this post will only get like 3 hits because according to the press, no one except the 10 people in the theater and most of Hollywood have seen the movie. But a lot of my "demographic" still wants to see it.

My boss was pretty funny today as he said this movie had (SaltLizard to you) written all over it. He also mentioned that he expected I would see mainly my "demographic" at the theater. And finally, he predicted I would come to work tomorrow holding a Tom Cruise bobble head. Let's see how right he was...

First off, I should have paid a little more attention to the whole "musical" aspect of this movie. For some reason I did not expect them to break into song every 2 minutes like Danny Zucko when he was stranded at the drive in (feeling like a fool). But within the first 2 minutes...the bus scene. WHO doesn't like Sister Christian? No one...until random people on the bus begin singing it together while at the same time, not fully aware that the others are singing. It was ridiculous. So ridiculous that I was hyserically laughing, like please tell me the whole movie will not be like this... Well, there were similar scenes, but eventually you get into the groove of the thing. That does not mean it was great cinema. But it does mean that I blasted 80s hairbands all the way home.

The Actors
Julianne Hough. Perfectly cast as a young innocent big haired Oklahoma girl who moved to LA to pursue singing. Absolutely miscast as a singer of 80s hairband songs. We needed someone with a raw edge to her voice. Lita Ford will choke when she listens to Julianne's pretty 12 year old asking Daddy for a Library card voice. Her voice is beautiful, but a rocker she is not.

The guy who plays her love interest. We'll call him What's his Name. He should not have been allowed to sing rock ballads because he f'd them all up for me and I will not be able to even pretend that I can buy the soundtrack because of this. His best features were his eyelashes which appeared to have been locked in an eyelash curler and permed in place. He was sweet and syrupy and had value only when singing angry.  He kind of reminded me of the little boy that they introduced late in the Little House on the Prairie.

Alec Baldwin. Owner of "the Bourbon" (bourbon...whiskey in LA, get it?). I am a little surprised that Alec made it all the way through filming while 9 months pregnant. Luckily he did not have to exert himself acting much. You know, that was really mean girl. Perhaps he was getting into character. I have no idea what the owner of the Whiskey looked like, so who knows. Alec was clearly on set for comedic value and he and Russell Brand supplied the hardest and longest bout of laughing thatI recall ever having at a movie. Though I am still not sure it was intended to be funny. Congratulations gentlemen on a hysterical REO Speedwagon duet which you probably could not take any more serious than I could.

Russell Brand. No idea who the F he was supposed to be in the movie, but he was by far my favorite character in the movie. He did what Russell does best. As far as music goes, I preferred him in Get Him to the Greek where "when life hands you a Jeffrey, stroke the furry walls."

The dude who played Tom Cruise's manager. Another What's his Name, but a much more recognizable one. The dude that was in Sideways with the Dude that played Lowell on Wings. I think he has won a bunch of awards, but I am not going to look it up. He was great in this slimy role.   Paul Giamatta (sp?)- that's it!!  Thank you for coming back to me old brain cells.

The chick that played the Rolling Stone reporter. I thought she was J Hough with a perm or someone from college or someone famous I should know, but she wasn't. Her character had a name that reminded me of Pussy Galore from Bond fame. She was there. Guys will like her and they can see her panties.

Catherine Zeta-Jones. Think Tipper Gore on the outside with a little Grace Jones under the prissy exterior.

Mary J Blije. Best voice in the show and some damn fine 80's pantsuits.

Tom Cruise. Somewhere out there, Axl Rose is gonna be pi-issssssssed. At least if he sees the beginning of the movie he will be bring a shotgun to the theater to shoot the screen and will likely ban anyone who looks like Tom Cruise from attending his concerts. The ONLY hope that Tom will have in escaping the wrath of Axl is if Axl is as late to the movie as he is to his own shows. That said, there might be a good chance Tom is off the hook. It physically pains me to tell you how good Tom was in this role. After that phase he went through (you know, where he went batshit crazy on Oprah and the Today show and on Brooke Shields), I did not think I would ever respect my little Joel Goodson again. But he did himself proud as both egomaniacal crackpot rock star (aka Axl) and singer. My only complaint about the singing was that he ennunciated the words too much. Enough so that I now know the correct words to songs I have apparently been singing wrong for 25 years. He was rated "doable" by both my movie companion and myself.

Sebastian Bach. Sigh. Yes, he is not a brain trust from what I can tell from his desperate for attention reality show participation. But I do not care! I was so excited to see his face in the movie cameo that I kept trying to use my invisible remote control to pause the screen. I also wanted to try to figure out who the other cameos were. Have I mentioned before that I saw him in Jesus Christ Superstar? My Husband made me see the play and I was miserable up until I realized that the Captain of Skid Row was playing Jesus. At that point I began trying to score front row tickets (unsuccessful). I probably should have attended confession after the play to repent for my disgraceful thoughts and I am not even Catholic. Anyways, it was 2 minutes but still worth mentioning to me.

The last thing that was worth mentioning was that I got to see a preview for Magic Mike. It looks absolutely ridiculous, but you have probably learned how shallow I am by now, so I do not give a rat's ass if it is stupid, I will be there to see my imaginary boyfriend, Channing Tatum, take his clothes off and gyrate for the audience (me. All for me.). Matthew McConahy looked creepy in his role at best. 

Well, it is time for bed now. I will have sweet 80s band dreams tonight where my imaginary boyfriend will dance to Sweet Child of Mine as Axl strokes out in the background and my spiral perm will shake as I bang my head.