Feedback. How do you define that word? I have become mentally conditioned to expect all feedback to be bad. Some people call it constructive criticism. I define constructive criticism as character assassination. It is a phrase that someone can use as a "get out of jail free card" to insult you and tell you what they think sucks about you. And because they said "constructive", you are expected to smile and say "THANK YOU (sir, may I have another?)" So, you may get the feeling that I do not take feedback well. You are CORRECT! Good for you. I always knew you were smart!
In this age of self awareness, I am completely aware that I take feedback poorly. You might be telling me something that could legitimately help, but what I hear is some combination of "you're fat ugly dumb lazy worthless unlikeable and wrong.". Now what the heck kind of f'd up childhood did I have to make this happen? I had a great childhood with great Parents who loved me very much. I was a fat kid though. And one who I would not describe as very pretty. That fed a lot into my need for positive reinforcement, for fitting in, for being liked. I absolutely needed reassurance throughout my life that I was pretty enough, fun enough, accepted. And in many ways, I still need that. When I receive negative feedback, I take it personally and I shut down.
But you know what? If you say something nice? I thrive and I try even harder to be deserving of that compliment. Don't get me wrong, the praise needs to be genuine. I can smell bullshit a mile away (unless it is my own kids spinning the tale). For me, much of the pat on the back makes the work worthwhile and it will determine the effort level for the next challenge.
I am not someone who can look myself in the eye in the mirror and say "I'm good enough, I'm strong enough and doggone it, People like me." I rely on others to do that for me. Although on occassion, I will admit to announcing to my husband "oh by the way I look very nice tonight." He thinks its okay if he notices this at some point before he is snoring. I think if he doesn't say it in the first 10 minutes, then he isn't feeling it.
And I don't make it all that easy on you. I want to fit in, but stand out. I am quirky and I like being unique. I am an attention whore. I have no problem making a fool out of myself in the middle of a crowded room if I think it will get a laugh. It is harder for me to get up in front of a room and lead a discussion, but I can pull that off without looking as nervous as I am. And at the end? I'm looking at every face to see if eyes are rolling or if people are smiling.
I've rambled long enough without seeming to have a point. Why am I writing this now? Because today I got a compliment that I endured 3 years of torturous feedback waiting for. I had heard so much about what was wrong with me that I shut down. It was as if this feedback-giver gained energy from bringing me down. And while the source of the kudos is not the same as the source of the feedback, it was one of the most satisfying professional moments in years. And it makes me want to do even better. So I end tonight on a good note, feeling reassured that I am smart enough, good enough, and that doggone it, people like me.
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